The Law of Positive Intent

How many times over the last 24 hours have you gotten really angry at somebody? Maybe it was some maniac who drove past you really fast and cut people off on the highway. Maybe it was a family member. Maybe it was someone at work. Maybe it was someone on the world stage. We tend to get angry at people because we assume negative intent. We assume that that maniac who drove 90 miles an hour past us on the highway and cut us off was just in the car laughing, just knowing they were doing something ridiculous and life-threatening, but doing it anyway. We assume negative intent.

Well, there's a lesson I learned a number of years ago - and I say learned it, but I need to relearn it almost every day - and I like to call that lesson the Law of Positive Intent. The Law of Positive Intent simply says: everyone is just trying to do the best they can with the resources they have.

That doesn't mean everyone is doing the right thing. This isn't some optimistic, the world is wonderful, kind of thing. It doesn’t say everybody's doing the right thing, but it says they're trying to do the best they can. They may not have the resources you have. They may not have all the information you have, or maybe they have some information you don't have. Maybe that maniac that drove past you going 90 miles an hour and cut you off on the highway was rushing to the hospital bed of someone who is very sick.

The Law of Positive Intent causes us to ask questions instead of immediately getting angry. It causes us to say, "What do they know that I don't know?" Or, "What might I know that they don't know?" It causes us to ask questions. Maybe ask that person questions rather than getting angry. We see the Law of Negative Intent not only causes problems at home or at work, but you can think about it at a macro-level as well: problems between countries.

Let me go from countries to something to a very specific story in my family that maybe shows you what the Law of Negative Intent does, and how things might change if you assume more positive intent. So a number of years ago, my mother-in-law came to live with us. She lived with us for about a year and a half. It was the most challenging year and a half of my life, and I hope my mother-in-law is not watching this, but it was very difficult. She tended to get involved in family situations she shouldn't, and it was just a very aggravating situation and I was certainly not at the point that I was assuming positive intent.

Well, one morning I was lying in bed. My kids were young at the time and I was lying in bed. My wife had to get up and out of the house early that morning and the kids usually woke up at about 7 o'clock for school, and it's about 5 to 7. I'm lying in bed, I'm up waiting for the time to wake the kids up and my mother-in-law peaks her head in the door and says, “I know Angela is not here, do I need to wake the kids up?” And I thought, "Does this woman not think I could be a father? Does she think if her daughter isn't around I don't even know enough, I'm not even a good enough parent to wake up the kids? Does she need to get involved in everything?" And with all that swirling in my head I said, "No, don't worry. I got it taken care of." Just with a horrible tone (and I heard about that later), but think about what happened. Think about what made me angry. This woman, this "horrible woman" asked if I needed some help. But because I was assuming negative intention and not positive intention, I got very angry and reacted harshly at what she did and she really did nothing wrong.

So my question for you at home, at work, or within your community, is: where are you assuming negative intent when someone is really just trying to do the best they can with the resources they have? If you assume positive intent, if you do assume they're trying to do the best they can with the resources they have, how might that open you up to asking new questions, to having new conversations?