The power of ONE question

My son has Asperger’s syndrome, and when he was younger, he tended to hyper focus on his video games. Getting him to come upstairs for dinner was almost impossible.

And all I could think of was: why can't he just listen? 

It made me angry. It made me scream. It made me a pretty crappy dad.

But then I learned to ask:

What else could it mean? 

…maybe he is so overwhelmed by everything going on in the world right now that the only way for him to keep the noise out is to hyper focus on the video game

…maybe this is the best way for him to protect himself from the overwhelm

…maybe he’s so focused he didn’t hear us, or lost track of time. 

And asking that ONE question changed how I saw the whole situation. Asking that ONE question, switched my focus from anger to curiosity.

This question is as powerful a tool in leadership as it is in parenting.

It forces us to assume positive intentions in others. The Law of positive intent says that…

👍 Everyone is just trying to do the best they can with the resources they have.

No one wakes up in the morning and says, Hmm, I wonder what I could screw up today. 

Even if it might feel that way to you, you don't know what's going on in their head. You don’t know what’s going on in their lives. 

When you assume positive intent, you get curious. What information do I have that they don’t? Or, just as important, what do they know that I don’t know?

Try this: think about a specific example where someone has recently done something that made you angry or frustrated. 

Then ask yourself: Why did it make me angry?

Maybe they derailed a meeting, or maybe they said they were going to do one thing, and they did another. 

Then, ask the ONE question:  

What else could it mean? 

Assuming their positive intent, what other possible meanings can you think of for their behavior? List as many as you can.

How does this change your perspective on their behavior? Are you a bit less frustrated? Do you feel like you might understand them a bit better? Are you now prepared to have a productive conversation instead of an argument? 

By making this a leadership practice, you’ll see trust build and relationships improve.

If you want the right people, culture and processes in place, check out my Breakthrough Leadership Assessment Tool. It’s a small-time investment that can unlock incredible results.

https://www.mike-goldman.com/breakthrough-leadership-team-assessment