Technique without focus equals failure

I was talking to a client last week about the art of giving the right kind of feedback, and the eight different characteristics of giving great feedback, and also how to have difficult conversations and a four-step process.

I used to have difficult conversations. And this is not a video to take you through those eight characteristics of those four steps.

But it's a video about a realization that we had and going through those techniques. And that realization is that while those techniques are really powerful, if used in the right way, what's most important is your focus while you're using those techniques, so I can take the same technique. And if I'm giving you feedback, and what I'm focused on is the fact that you're screwing things up on purpose, that you're doing some things wrong, you don't care very much, you have negative intent.

I can do all the right things in giving feedback, use all the right techniques. But it's going to come across in such a way that you're going to feel defensive.

Because my tone, my body language, even if the words are exactly right, my tone and body language is going to tell you that I have a real problem with you, I don't trust you. And I believe in your negative intent, and you're going to get defensive, and that's not going to go well.

I could use the same techniques with a belief in your positive intent, with a belief that you're just trying to do the best you can with the resources you have. And when I use those same techniques, when I use that same four-step process for having difficult conversations, it's going to come across in a very different way, it's going to come across in a loving, caring way. And you're going to be more accepting.

I've talked in other videos about the idea of the law of positive intent. And again, the law of positive intent says everybody's just trying to do the best they can with the resources they have. And I know when you hear that, you think, well, that's not always true. You don't know this person. But I'd ask you to really think about your own experiences. And have you ever gone into a situation, believing in the negative intent of someone else, believing that they woke up this morning and thought, what can I screw up today?

Have you ever gone into a conversation with that attitude with that focus, and had it go well, even if deep down, you believe they are trying to screw things up, you could find a way to shift your focus, take a deep breath.

Ask yourself about their behavior and say what else could it mean? If you think their behavior means they don't care, they're trying to screw things up on purpose, ask what else could it mean?

Come up with a list of things you don't know what it means. Open your mind up to other meanings. Because if you believe in the negative intent of someone else, going into a feedback conversation or a difficult conversation.

If you believe in their negative intent, your tendency is to get frustrated and lash out. Like that guy that cut you off on the highway going 90 miles an hour, and you think they're in the car laughing, knowing they're doing something wrong.

But doing it anyway, you get mad, and you lash out. I mean, that's road rage. But what if that guy in the car was rushing to the hospital bed of a loved one?

What else could it mean? Does it have to mean they're a maniac who doesn't care about anyone else's life?

Shift your focus before you go in and give that feedback to someone you work with. Before you have that difficult conversation with someone that you work with, internal or external to your company. Make sure you're thinking about your focus. And if you're believing in their negative intent, man, you got to make that shift before you enter that conversation, ask what else could it mean?

Believe that they're doing the best they can with the resources they have. I promise you. If that's your true belief going into the conversation, the chances of having a good, productive conversation skyrocket. Are you guaranteed to have a great conversation, of course not, but your chances are going to skyrocket